Has it really been over 5 years?

The most recent scan that Nanc had in January had those 5 very important words in the results, "No evidence of metastatic disease."  Whew....  Now if I could just get her to call and schedule the procedure to remove the damn ports!

Even after all this time, you still get nervous.  I think that once you've had cancer, you are never really totally free of it emotionally or spiritually.

During our last visit with Leuchter I peeked into the infusion center and had to walk out immediately as I felt sick to my stomach.   Nanc wouldn't even peek her head in.

So we move on and hope for more eggs each spring.  Love to you all...

A New Beginning or Spring at Last!

I know this has absolutely nothing to do with cancer or Nancy's health - which is quite good these days. The last scan back in December was clear and the CA 125 tests remain at 6 so it can't get any better...

But this is about a happening in our yard that we wanted to share. We usually get some visitors each spring to the backyard being that we are so close to a wildlife preserve. We have been successful at keeping the ducks from making house in the yard - up until this year that is...

Here's mom. She was persistent, I will give her that. I must have tried chasing her away at least a half a dozen times and thought I had won. She was the one who was victorious with a nest under the lavender...

See mom's eggs:

See empty eggs on Saturday, April 10:

See ducks swim...

How cool is that!

Two Years

So the two year "cancer free " milestone seems to have come and gone without too much fanfare. (I can't believe it's been two years!) We just may be a little superstitious about bringing too much attention to the fact - who knows...

And it took almost this entire time for Nanc to finally feel good again. What with the neuropathy still hanging on and the medications for that, it has taken a real balancing act and a whole lot of trial and error to get it all working together. We had one scary moment in the ER in December. But I think that experience really showed her where she needed to be putting more of her energies in her recovery.

Just the other day, we were discussing once again how our lives can change so dramatically in a heart beat. There we were, two years ago, in our little routine and enjoying ourselves for the most part. Then wham - just like that. Life has not been the same since nor do we think it ever will be. And not in a bad way either - but definitely in a richer and more meaningful way.

I've heard it said that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. This would certainly hold true in this instance...

So thank you all once again for your prayers, your thoughts and all your help these past two years. We would not be where we are today without you!!!

Scan Results from September 11...

Straight from the horse's mouth:

"CONCLUSION: No significant change from 12/21/2007. No evidence of metastatic disease."

That big gust of wind that emanated from the Hollywood Freeway north bound near Sunset Blvd. at about 6:10 pacific time tonight was me finally taking a breath and letting it out. To say that Nanc is relieved would be more than a very big understatement.

And if you haven't had a chance to check out the Stand Up 2 Cancer web site - you should. Research funding has been on the decline at an alarming rate. So browse on over and donate! And while you're at it, search for Nancy's star- Nancy Wren is case you've forgotten.

And while I'm at it, there is a new star for Joan Duffy (here maiden name.) Joan is a former employee whom I've known for over 20 years. She recently underwent a bone marrow transplant as part of her treatment for chemo induced leukemia. She developed the leukemia from chemotherapy for breast cancer. And if she is half as tough as I remember her, she is quite a warrior herself. (I found a good article here that explains this weird process...)

Keep the faith!

xoxo

Just a moment...

So there we were, just sitting in the back yard, eating dinner. We had just cleaned off the back patio and were enjoying the last bites of our dinner while just taking in the flowers in the garden and the size of the cherry tomato plants. I turned to Nanc and said that it was moments such as this that we didn't get to enjoy for over a year. And now we are beginning to enjoy them some 13 months later.

So there you have it, a slice of normalcy? Just a moment that wasn't able to slip through all these months. And we actually enjoyed it - together!

xoxo

One year later

So, here we are, exactly one year later. One haircut later...

A number of friends say, "You should be out celebrating!"

It's hard to describe the emotions of being exactly one year out from the diagnosis and 7 months out of treatment. There are still many reminders everyday that this fight is far from over. It's hard to celebrate when you can feel both ports and suffer the peripheral neuropathy the way Nanc does. And then there's the odds given by her doctor. 70/30 - that's the way he put it. Those odds get better every year he said, but the reality is, 70/30.

I think the feeling is that by celebrating too much, we would be giving the cancer more power over our life than it deserves. I think that there is an unspoken reverence for it but I think there is the fear that by celebrating this soon, it may be almost like taunting its return - if that makes any sense.

That really sounds kind of morbid - I know. Where's that positive attitude that we can beat this thing? Oh that's still there, believe me. It's just that the day to day battle is the single, most important thing right now. And those days will eventually add up to years - and then we can kiss it good-bye. But not until...

xoxo

A Haircut as Triumph

Whoa. So far only 3 posts in 2008 and we are already into May! We had 77 posts in 6 months last year. I'm not sure what that means - I will let you come to your own conclusions and post your thoughts...

So I have found a new description for how cancer invades your life. I used to describe it as one's life being a ship in the night and you collide with a large submerged object that cracks your hull. You take the evasive action, close off the sections of the ship that are taking on water and list back to port for repairs. You hope...

Well my new one goes something like this: (Thanks to Ellen Faulk for the inspiration)
Cancer takes your life as if it were a piece of paper and tears it into a million little pieces. Then it tosses it up in the air and takes skeet practice with it as it is falling to the ground, turns and walks away without the slightest look or comment and leaves you to then pick up the pieces.

There is an additional element to this whole scenario that Nanc and I have recently discovered. That is that the caregiver is often times the one picking up the pieces and trying to fit it all back together. This can be out of a sense of responsibility or just out of a sheer desire to protect the loved one who means so much to them, that they forgo everything in the pursuit of victory over the cancer and a return to normalcy for the patient.

At least that's what it feels like sometimes. I mean we should be celebrating as it will be one year on May 24 that she had the surgery. In about 2 weeks she will be cancer free for one year. And here we are, just now beginning to put some of the emotional pieces back together. A tribute to our survival skills...

Okay, so back to the haircut. The first haircut took place about 2 weeks ago at the same place that she had her head shaved the first time. David was very pleased with the fact that her hair is so fine and healthy and not coarse like some other chemo patients that he has seen. the result looks great - check it out! Quite a difference from August and September I would say...





























So what's going on physically? In general, the worst thing has to be the neuropathy and managing the uncomfortability and the pain. She's tried lots of different things that we described previously. Everything that's been tried up to this point has had some measure of success but not without a price.

If you think about all the chemo, all the supplements, all the lyrica, all the neurontin, the blood count booster, etc., et., etc. , you come up with a list of stuff a mile long and then some! The approach discussed the other day is to try and cut back on some things and see if that helps her overall energy level. Some of the things she takes for the neuropathy have a tendency to make you fatigued and the chemo supplies plenty of that - even after 6 months! So we will monitor the hands and feet the next week or so and see what happens. If she can tolerate any change, then she is hoping to get back a little energy and overall clarity.

I think that some of the weird sensations she gets in her feet are the nerves doing their regeneration thing. She has described it as someone putting pressure on the bottoms of her feet. She also experiences some tingling and involuntary twitching.

So, did I happen to mention that I gained a ton of weight last year but have been able to lose almost 60 pounds since October? It's amazing what you can do if you just eat three meals a day...

That is about all the important stuff from the left coast that I can think of for now.

As our friend Frank used to say, "Keep the faith!"

xoxo