Straight from the horse's mouth:
"CONCLUSION: No significant change from 12/21/2007. No evidence of metastatic disease."
That big gust of wind that emanated from the Hollywood Freeway north bound near Sunset Blvd. at about 6:10 pacific time tonight was me finally taking a breath and letting it out. To say that Nanc is relieved would be more than a very big understatement.
And if you haven't had a chance to check out the Stand Up 2 Cancer web site - you should. Research funding has been on the decline at an alarming rate. So browse on over and donate! And while you're at it, search for Nancy's star- Nancy Wren is case you've forgotten.
And while I'm at it, there is a new star for Joan Duffy (here maiden name.) Joan is a former employee whom I've known for over 20 years. She recently underwent a bone marrow transplant as part of her treatment for chemo induced leukemia. She developed the leukemia from chemotherapy for breast cancer. And if she is half as tough as I remember her, she is quite a warrior herself. (I found a good article here that explains this weird process...)
Keep the faith!
xoxo
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Just a moment...
So there we were, just sitting in the back yard, eating dinner. We had just cleaned off the back patio and were enjoying the last bites of our dinner while just taking in the flowers in the garden and the size of the cherry tomato plants. I turned to Nanc and said that it was moments such as this that we didn't get to enjoy for over a year. And now we are beginning to enjoy them some 13 months later.
So there you have it, a slice of normalcy? Just a moment that wasn't able to slip through all these months. And we actually enjoyed it - together!
xoxo
So there you have it, a slice of normalcy? Just a moment that wasn't able to slip through all these months. And we actually enjoyed it - together!
xoxo
Saturday, May 24, 2008
One year later
So, here we are, exactly one year later. One haircut later...
A number of friends say, "You should be out celebrating!"
It's hard to describe the emotions of being exactly one year out from the diagnosis and 7 months out of treatment. There are still many reminders everyday that this fight is far from over. It's hard to celebrate when you can feel both ports and suffer the peripheral neuropathy the way Nanc does. And then there's the odds given by her doctor. 70/30 - that's the way he put it. Those odds get better every year he said, but the reality is, 70/30.
I think the feeling is that by celebrating too much, we would be giving the cancer more power over our life than it deserves. I think that there is an unspoken reverence for it but I think there is the fear that by celebrating this soon, it may be almost like taunting its return - if that makes any sense.
That really sounds kind of morbid - I know. Where's that positive attitude that we can beat this thing? Oh that's still there, believe me. It's just that the day to day battle is the single, most important thing right now. And those days will eventually add up to years - and then we can kiss it good-bye. But not until...
xoxo
A number of friends say, "You should be out celebrating!"
It's hard to describe the emotions of being exactly one year out from the diagnosis and 7 months out of treatment. There are still many reminders everyday that this fight is far from over. It's hard to celebrate when you can feel both ports and suffer the peripheral neuropathy the way Nanc does. And then there's the odds given by her doctor. 70/30 - that's the way he put it. Those odds get better every year he said, but the reality is, 70/30.
I think the feeling is that by celebrating too much, we would be giving the cancer more power over our life than it deserves. I think that there is an unspoken reverence for it but I think there is the fear that by celebrating this soon, it may be almost like taunting its return - if that makes any sense.
That really sounds kind of morbid - I know. Where's that positive attitude that we can beat this thing? Oh that's still there, believe me. It's just that the day to day battle is the single, most important thing right now. And those days will eventually add up to years - and then we can kiss it good-bye. But not until...
xoxo
Sunday, May 11, 2008
A Haircut as Triumph
Whoa. So far only 3 posts in 2008 and we are already into May! We had 77 posts in 6 months last year. I'm not sure what that means - I will let you come to your own conclusions and post your thoughts...
So I have found a new description for how cancer invades your life. I used to describe it as one's life being a ship in the night and you collide with a large submerged object that cracks your hull. You take the evasive action, close off the sections of the ship that are taking on water and list back to port for repairs. You hope...
Well my new one goes something like this: (Thanks to Ellen Faulk for the inspiration)
Cancer takes your life as if it were a piece of paper and tears it into a million little pieces. Then it tosses it up in the air and takes skeet practice with it as it is falling to the ground, turns and walks away without the slightest look or comment and leaves you to then pick up the pieces.
There is an additional element to this whole scenario that Nanc and I have recently discovered. That is that the caregiver is often times the one picking up the pieces and trying to fit it all back together. This can be out of a sense of responsibility or just out of a sheer desire to protect the loved one who means so much to them, that they forgo everything in the pursuit of victory over the cancer and a return to normalcy for the patient.
At least that's what it feels like sometimes. I mean we should be celebrating as it will be one year on May 24 that she had the surgery. In about 2 weeks she will be cancer free for one year. And here we are, just now beginning to put some of the emotional pieces back together. A tribute to our survival skills...
Okay, so back to the haircut. The first haircut took place about 2 weeks ago at the same place that she had her head shaved the first time. David was very pleased with the fact that her hair is so fine and healthy and not coarse like some other chemo patients that he has seen. the result looks great - check it out! Quite a difference from August and September I would say...
So what's going on physically? In general, the worst thing has to be the neuropathy and managing the uncomfortability and the pain. She's tried lots of different things that we described previously. Everything that's been tried up to this point has had some measure of success but not without a price.
If you think about all the chemo, all the supplements, all the lyrica, all the neurontin, the blood count booster, etc., et., etc. , you come up with a list of stuff a mile long and then some! The approach discussed the other day is to try and cut back on some things and see if that helps her overall energy level. Some of the things she takes for the neuropathy have a tendency to make you fatigued and the chemo supplies plenty of that - even after 6 months! So we will monitor the hands and feet the next week or so and see what happens. If she can tolerate any change, then she is hoping to get back a little energy and overall clarity.
I think that some of the weird sensations she gets in her feet are the nerves doing their regeneration thing. She has described it as someone putting pressure on the bottoms of her feet. She also experiences some tingling and involuntary twitching.
So, did I happen to mention that I gained a ton of weight last year but have been able to lose almost 60 pounds since October? It's amazing what you can do if you just eat three meals a day...
That is about all the important stuff from the left coast that I can think of for now.
As our friend Frank used to say, "Keep the faith!"
xoxo
So I have found a new description for how cancer invades your life. I used to describe it as one's life being a ship in the night and you collide with a large submerged object that cracks your hull. You take the evasive action, close off the sections of the ship that are taking on water and list back to port for repairs. You hope...
Well my new one goes something like this: (Thanks to Ellen Faulk for the inspiration)
Cancer takes your life as if it were a piece of paper and tears it into a million little pieces. Then it tosses it up in the air and takes skeet practice with it as it is falling to the ground, turns and walks away without the slightest look or comment and leaves you to then pick up the pieces.
There is an additional element to this whole scenario that Nanc and I have recently discovered. That is that the caregiver is often times the one picking up the pieces and trying to fit it all back together. This can be out of a sense of responsibility or just out of a sheer desire to protect the loved one who means so much to them, that they forgo everything in the pursuit of victory over the cancer and a return to normalcy for the patient.
At least that's what it feels like sometimes. I mean we should be celebrating as it will be one year on May 24 that she had the surgery. In about 2 weeks she will be cancer free for one year. And here we are, just now beginning to put some of the emotional pieces back together. A tribute to our survival skills...
Okay, so back to the haircut. The first haircut took place about 2 weeks ago at the same place that she had her head shaved the first time. David was very pleased with the fact that her hair is so fine and healthy and not coarse like some other chemo patients that he has seen. the result looks great - check it out! Quite a difference from August and September I would say...
So what's going on physically? In general, the worst thing has to be the neuropathy and managing the uncomfortability and the pain. She's tried lots of different things that we described previously. Everything that's been tried up to this point has had some measure of success but not without a price.
If you think about all the chemo, all the supplements, all the lyrica, all the neurontin, the blood count booster, etc., et., etc. , you come up with a list of stuff a mile long and then some! The approach discussed the other day is to try and cut back on some things and see if that helps her overall energy level. Some of the things she takes for the neuropathy have a tendency to make you fatigued and the chemo supplies plenty of that - even after 6 months! So we will monitor the hands and feet the next week or so and see what happens. If she can tolerate any change, then she is hoping to get back a little energy and overall clarity.
I think that some of the weird sensations she gets in her feet are the nerves doing their regeneration thing. She has described it as someone putting pressure on the bottoms of her feet. She also experiences some tingling and involuntary twitching.
So, did I happen to mention that I gained a ton of weight last year but have been able to lose almost 60 pounds since October? It's amazing what you can do if you just eat three meals a day...That is about all the important stuff from the left coast that I can think of for now.
As our friend Frank used to say, "Keep the faith!"
xoxo
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Has it really been 6 weeks?
Since the last post? But I guess it really has. That means that life has been very full which is a very good thing...
Nanc is now back to work at least part time and is slowly but surely gaining more and more strength back. She no longer has to sleep 12 hours every day - just once in a while. We went to Ventura for a 3 day weekend and stayed at a friend's place a the beach. It was our first real vacation since her diagnosis and man did we need that rest. The shot at the right is a view from the deck...
So, along with her strength, the hair is slowly coming back, the neuropathy is slowly dissipating and life is beginning to take on a weird sense of normalcy. I hesitate somewhat to use the word normal at all because everything is slightly different now. Life seems to come with a different edge for both of us that is difficult to explain. I need to formulate that a little more and get back to you.
I do know one thing, if we ever have to go back to Cedars as patient and caregiver it won't be without a fight. I had to stop by the other day to pick up a prescription and was chatting with some of the nurses. I got the chance to fill them in on Nanc's progress which is a very good thing as they get to hear about the fruits of their labors. But I was a little sick to my stomach leaving. No matter how much light they pour in there, no matter how bright the paint and fabrics, it's still a chemo infusion center and the memories are a little too fresh. Or at least they were that day...
Nice hair huh?
We're actually talking about the first haircut - there's a few spots that are slightly out of control you might say. Like her little cow-lick ;-)
Not sure this picture does it enough justice but it's there, trust me. It feels a little like spring actually. And that includes all one looks forward to at that time of the year. Like blooms and blossoms and births.
xoxo
Nanc is now back to work at least part time and is slowly but surely gaining more and more strength back. She no longer has to sleep 12 hours every day - just once in a while. We went to Ventura for a 3 day weekend and stayed at a friend's place a the beach. It was our first real vacation since her diagnosis and man did we need that rest. The shot at the right is a view from the deck...So, along with her strength, the hair is slowly coming back, the neuropathy is slowly dissipating and life is beginning to take on a weird sense of normalcy. I hesitate somewhat to use the word normal at all because everything is slightly different now. Life seems to come with a different edge for both of us that is difficult to explain. I need to formulate that a little more and get back to you.
I do know one thing, if we ever have to go back to Cedars as patient and caregiver it won't be without a fight. I had to stop by the other day to pick up a prescription and was chatting with some of the nurses. I got the chance to fill them in on Nanc's progress which is a very good thing as they get to hear about the fruits of their labors. But I was a little sick to my stomach leaving. No matter how much light they pour in there, no matter how bright the paint and fabrics, it's still a chemo infusion center and the memories are a little too fresh. Or at least they were that day...Nice hair huh?
We're actually talking about the first haircut - there's a few spots that are slightly out of control you might say. Like her little cow-lick ;-)
Not sure this picture does it enough justice but it's there, trust me. It feels a little like spring actually. And that includes all one looks forward to at that time of the year. Like blooms and blossoms and births.
xoxo
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Post Chemo Scan #1
It took place on Dec. 21 and Leuchter read us the results on Thursday - "Normal." No change from her scan the week before chemo started. We sort of figured that nothing could have possible grown in there with all those chemicals...
So, that's the big news. That and there's more hair to report! If you look at it just right, it looks as if Nanc is sporting a Mohawk. All the kids love it. I think it 's kind of hot myself...
So now it's back to football for the last game of the weekend. And they said New England was gonna fold - their time was up, etc. Excuse me? 26 of 28 passing for Brady?? Are you kidding me??? They just seem to have stepped it up another notch. Good thing I don't bet any more....
xoxo
So, that's the big news. That and there's more hair to report! If you look at it just right, it looks as if Nanc is sporting a Mohawk. All the kids love it. I think it 's kind of hot myself...
So now it's back to football for the last game of the weekend. And they said New England was gonna fold - their time was up, etc. Excuse me? 26 of 28 passing for Brady?? Are you kidding me??? They just seem to have stepped it up another notch. Good thing I don't bet any more....
xoxo
Sunday, January 6, 2008
"I just wish I felt better..."
But she is certainly feeling better than a month ago - that's for sure. Just not as well as she'd like. Funny thing this recovery phase - you have no say in how long it lasts or how it all makes you feel. You can do certain things that are supposed to help but in the long run, you are still captive to the disease and the treatment...
Our friend Kim who underwent treatment for throat cancer suggested the one month at a time outlook. Just look back one month and you'll see progress. Makes sense but man is that slow!!! ;-)
The hair continues to grow and she seems to be able to accomplish just a little more each day/week. Normally a picture would be in order here but I can't seem to get it together at a time when she has make up on...
The neuropathy remains the biggest issue right now. Fine motor skills are still difficult as well as the pain in her feet and fingers. We have another appointment with the pain team next Thursday at 4 and then an appt. with Leuchter at 4:30 to review the scan she had on Dec. 21. Did I forget to mention the scan - the first scan since before chemo?? So sue me...
As for the caregiver in a situation like this, there is a different type of recovery that goes on - at least that I have experienced and what a few others I have talked to have experienced. Funny things happen when you stuff your fear or your grief over a period of time in order to just get through that time. When it's all over, all that stuff starts to bubble up (picture the tar pits) and you find yourself doing and saying things that can be perceived as selfish. I mean look at it this way, you go through an extended period of time doing nothing but thinking about someone else's care 24/7 and you put your stuff on the shelf for that entire time. You try to do a few things for yourself but even when you're doing them you're thinking about your loved one and your life as you used to know it.
And you can keep it all together somehow until things slow down and your insides catch up with you and say "Remember us? Well, you abandoned us 6 months ago and now we want some attention!"
That's when the patient gets to give something back and it becomes that give and take relationship you had before the diagnosis. It finally hit me the other day and I said to Nanc "I just can't cook one more thing or do one more dish." So what did she do? She started unloading the dishwasher. Just having her doing certain things with me again really helps the spiritual healing...
xoxo
Our friend Kim who underwent treatment for throat cancer suggested the one month at a time outlook. Just look back one month and you'll see progress. Makes sense but man is that slow!!! ;-)
The hair continues to grow and she seems to be able to accomplish just a little more each day/week. Normally a picture would be in order here but I can't seem to get it together at a time when she has make up on...
The neuropathy remains the biggest issue right now. Fine motor skills are still difficult as well as the pain in her feet and fingers. We have another appointment with the pain team next Thursday at 4 and then an appt. with Leuchter at 4:30 to review the scan she had on Dec. 21. Did I forget to mention the scan - the first scan since before chemo?? So sue me...
As for the caregiver in a situation like this, there is a different type of recovery that goes on - at least that I have experienced and what a few others I have talked to have experienced. Funny things happen when you stuff your fear or your grief over a period of time in order to just get through that time. When it's all over, all that stuff starts to bubble up (picture the tar pits) and you find yourself doing and saying things that can be perceived as selfish. I mean look at it this way, you go through an extended period of time doing nothing but thinking about someone else's care 24/7 and you put your stuff on the shelf for that entire time. You try to do a few things for yourself but even when you're doing them you're thinking about your loved one and your life as you used to know it.
And you can keep it all together somehow until things slow down and your insides catch up with you and say "Remember us? Well, you abandoned us 6 months ago and now we want some attention!"
That's when the patient gets to give something back and it becomes that give and take relationship you had before the diagnosis. It finally hit me the other day and I said to Nanc "I just can't cook one more thing or do one more dish." So what did she do? She started unloading the dishwasher. Just having her doing certain things with me again really helps the spiritual healing...
xoxo
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