Up, Down, All Around

That pretty much describes day 4 since Nancy's last treatment. The day started out well but presented some challenges you could say. I mean, we are talking cancer and chemo therapy here, not the flu or a tooth ache...

One of her favorite phrases seems to be, "What is wrong with me?" As if she didn't know. Or better yet, she does know but either forgets or thinks the way she feels sometimes is just going to go away if she could just find that one magic fix. I just keep reminding her that she is a cancer patient and that it will get better. Maybe not when she wants it to get better, but it will get better.

This is an interesting period for some not so obvious reasons. Like I wrote yesterday, the wind's stopped and all seems calm at first. But underneath that "calm" is some very real unrest - physical and emotional.

The biggest physical aspect seems to remain food. Either finding things that actually taste good or being able to eat enough once you hit on something. And it's about remembering to eat before she gets too hungry. It's like pain management - you stay ahead of it before it gets to be too big of a gorilla.

Then there's some more subtle things that she has to battle right now, including restlessness and an inability to concentrate. We were talking today about the fact that maybe she tried to do too much yesterday and today, and that her stomach pain and nausea tonight were a direct result of that. So we thought that tomorrow she should just take it easy.

"But what do I do all day?"
"Why don't you try just reading the paper..."
"I can't read, my eyesight is all off right now."
"Okay, then we watch TV and movies all day. Listen to some music."

We joke that she is sometimes a better patient than at other times. But through it all, I am so proud of how she's handled it. I will admit that she scares me when she begins to doubt her ability to finish the treatment. I probably shouldn't be writing this - but what the hell - you're all part of her recovery now. I go back to what I said a minute ago, "It will get better. No one can say exactly how or when, but it will get better. You will not always feel this shitty."

You feel so helpless, so powerless to fix it all. The only tools I am left with are reassurance, some soup, a glass of lemonade and a back rub. You try to deal with each day as it unfolds.

So, enough of that. On to another angel since it's been a while. ( I need to take more pictures next week.)

Meet Nurse Alicia. Alicia is the quiet, but oh so efficient type. The kind you really want in your corner when the you-know-what hits the fan. Not only does she really know her stuff, she has a real calm assurance about her that puts you at ease when in her care.

So, lets' see what Sunday has in store ;-)

xoxo